Mistakes

Life is full of mistakes. I mean, really. I make them everyday! Sometimes multiple times a day! But over this past week I made a mistakes that could change everything for me. While in the "real world" it wouldn't have been a big deal, it is in Teen Challenge. I shared information about my personal life with one of my female students. Information that could and should have stayed between my director and myself. But I took it too far. Having feelings for a guy isn't a sin. But should I have confided that in my student who is struggling with the same thing? I justified it by saying that I felt like she was the only one who understood. Do I still believe that? Yes. But I crossed a line. It wasn't fair for me to put that on her shoulders.

You could sum up the conversation that followed with my pastor with this: I traded one boundary for another. This guy that I have developed feelings for over the past few weeks is still a student. While my feelings aren't sinful, I could have handled things differently. Yes, I went to my pastor and told her about my feelings and brought them to light. But had I not talked to another student about them, things would be different. I may have actually enjoyed my day yesterday. But I made choices that caused people to judge my character and lose their trust with me and that sucks. But it's no one else's fault but my own. I now walk on egg shells around everyone. If I thought I was before, I certainly am now!

I love my job. I really really do! It's not even a job to me. My whole life over the past two and a half years has been about Teen Challenge. While I wish some things were different, I can't change them on my own. I need God, patience, and the support of the people I work with.

I will add this though: without trust, we'll fall apart. I should be able to tell you something and know without a shadow of a doubt that the only people that will hear it will be the people I choose to tell. I'll be honest. When I put things like this on my blog, I don't do it to be passive aggressive. I hate confrontation. I'd much rather send something in an email or a text or letter rather than face-to-face if I have an issue that I need to work out. It prevents me from spouting off and saying something that I will regret later.

I've been thinking about leaving and have been withdrawing from people. But God isn't finished with me here yet. I can feel it in the deepest depths of my heart that I need to be here and that I actually need to work on things before I move on from here. God put me here for a purpose even if I haven't seen that yet!