New Year, New Me.

My blog is getting a bit of a makeover! With the new year(this post is almost 10 days late!), I've decided that this blog will be all about my journey of going vegan, cutting out processed foods from my diet and other processed "things" from my body! :)

Over the past few months, I've been reading a lot of blogs and watching a lot of documentaries. All of these are mostly about health, living green, and going all natural. I have decided that until March 1st I will be going on a juice diet VEGAN and using the elliptical 30 minutes a day. That's it.

I'm not doing 60 days because it's already the 4th of January and I want to keep things simple, but over the course of the year I am slowly going to eliminate chemicals, pesticides, processed foods, etc. from my daily life! :) Thanks for stopping by, and I hope you enjoy!

-t

Interesting Statements

It's been awhile since I've blogged... Things have been really crazy(It's Teen Challenge, when isn't it crazy here?) but I've finally sat down to type this post. Mostly because something really stood out to me this week.

One of the biggest rules you can break in your internship here is being in a relationship. Yep. You read that correctly. You're not allowed to date. At all.

Now, I've been on one official date in my entire life. So when I read over the rules this past June, I had absolutely no issues with that rule. At 19, I knew that I wasn't ready to be in a relationship(Did I mention that I'll be 20 in less than two weeks?). I still don't think that I'm ready to be in one.

I came to Boise on July 30th of 2013. It's been quite a whirlwind thus far. In September, all of the interns of the 12 centers in the Pacific Northwest region of Teen Challenge got together for what is called an "Intern Intensive." As far as I can tell, it is mostly leadership classes. I guess I'll go to the next one in February and learn more then. This intensive also fell on the weekend of Spiritual Emphasis. That's really a thing that happens once or twice a year with all regions/centers.

While I was at this intensive/Spiritual Emphasis I met another intern. Yes, this intern is a male. GASP.

What I thought was starting off as an innocent friendship quickly grew into us talking everyday. Sounds innocent, right? Ha! WRONG. Had our conversations been about Ron Swanson we MIGHT have been okay. That just wasn't the case though. But, of course, neither my leadership nor my coworkers are stupid. They figured me out pretty quick even though they didn't say anything.

Well I finally told this other intern that we couldn't talk anymore. He said he liked me. He said he wanted to pursue a relationship with me. He said he was heartbroken and I took it really hard. I mean, I bawled like a baby because I felt so bad. Silly girl.

That very same day(or maybe the day after), my boss called wanting to know what was going on. So I told her everything. She said she was proud of me and that was the end of it. Or so I thought.

Sometime later I was talking to my auntie on the phone and she asked me a question. "What happens if another guy decides he wants to start talking to you?"

HA.

Oops. Spoke too soon.

A couple of weeks later I reconnect with an old friend from high school. We exchanged numbers and started texting. He asked if he could call me and I said yes. We talked a couple of times. Then comes the text where he says that when my internship is over/when I come home that he'd like to pursue a relationship with me.

*facepalm*

What's funny is that he had no idea that I had a huge crush on him in high school. Oh it was bad. However, that was NOT my intention with us becoming friends again. Refer back to previous story. I explained to him that I'm not allowed to be in a relationship and that if my boss decides that he's becoming a distraction that we wouldn't be allowed to talk anymore.

This time was quite different though. I wanted to do the right thing. I had never wanted to follow the rules more than I had at that moment. Not because I didn't like this guy(I still really do even though I didn't tell him), but because I do. I believe that The Lord blesses obedience and I knew that if we even had a chance that I would have to do the right thing no matter how hard it would be.

So I called him and left him a voicemail saying that I had some news for him. However, good or bad, I didn't want to say it through a voicemail. I at least wanted him on the other end of the phone. I was sweating bullets because my boss said that if he didn't call that night that I would have to text him the news.

That night, no call.

The next morning I deleted everything. Texts, phone calls, and his number. I wanted zero temptation in front of me. I leave my phone alone for all of 15 minutes to run into a store and get back to a missed call. It was him but because I had deleted his number I had to rack my brain to figure it out.

I had text my boss that same morning saying that I had deleted everything and she gave me permission to talk to him if he contacted me. So I called him back...

He didn't try to guilt me or make me feel bad. In fact, he was extremely understanding and said that he didn't want to be a hindrance to me or my internship. Total 180 from the intern who has the exact same rules as me.

I come home in August so we'll see where things go.

Now here's the explanation to the title: Interesting Statements

Both of these guys said that they would wait for me.

WHAT.

I'll admit, I'm still flattered. The latter I can actually understand saying that(the last time we talked was 5 years ago and we had already been friends), but the intern? HELLO!! You'd known me all of a month at the time that you said this...

What would cause someone to make such a bold statement(Oh, he also said, "I love you." Via text, but still, WHY?) to someone they've known a month? Physical attraction, MAYBE. Now, I neither doubt myself as a human being or as a daughter of the Most High King. I AM God's child; however, I could have been an ax murderer before Teen Challenge you intern you!

Do you believe in love at first sight? Or putting your life on hold for 8 months to wait for someone that you've only known a month?

Boise, Idaho

Well, for those of you who don't know, I've been in potato country for the past two months. It's definitely been different than Virginia. For starters, I work with teenage girls. This center is barely 5 months old, is run by interns who have the potential to become full time staff members(Don't worry, we have Directors :) ), and isn't in the middle of nowhere. That's pretty nice too.

Sometimes I think people forget that I'm only a teenager myself. God has really been stretching me in this time. It's been even harder than Virginia but on a totally different level. Like Virginia though, we have so few students that having two staff members on duty isn't a requirement. It makes things stressful sometimes.

Everyday is struggle as far as Flesh vs. Spirit. My Spirit is the only thing keeping me here. When God calls you to do something, you do it, no matter how hard. I thank God everyday that I work with such a tight knit and supportive staff!

These girls are awesome(for the most part)! They're still teenagers and I have to remind myself that they're here for behavioral issues and that it won't be a party everyday. I have nights where I just lay in my bed and cry my eyes out. Last night was one of those! The cool thing though is that God's mercies are new every morning and just like He doesn't give up on me, I can't give up on these girls. Right now, God is stretching me, and it sucks. Like, it literally sucks the emotional strength out of me everyday. But at the end of the day, God sustains me and helps me to carry on the next morning no matter how hard I cried myself to sleep the night before.

Being involved in this ministry is not for the faint of heart. It's difficult. But the ultimate goal is to lead these people to Christ. The solution for one's drug addiction is Jesus. Once that happens, things slowly begin to fall into place. That's why this program is at least a year long. It's a process!

Mistakes Continued

Have you ever looked at a situation from the totally wrong perspective? Well I certainly have. Instead of thinking, "Oh my gosh, I really could have prevented this by going to the right person," I was afraid of judgment. I was afraid that karma would come at me because I was doing the exact same thing that my stepmom did. She married a man(my dad) that is 18 years older than her. Having judged her for that, I was so afraid that I would be judged for merely having feelings for a man that much older than me. Had I put that thought of judgment aside and just put things into the light I could have avoided this whole fiasco. My feelings aren't a sin. I didn't directly act on them. As far as I know this man doesn't know how I feel. I pray to God that he doesn't. I've already complicated my life enough because of my choices and decisions. In hindsight, I'd rather be judged for the age difference than what I did, which was tell my student about my feelings. It was wrong on so many levels. I traded one boundary for another. So now I have a choice: I can learn and grow and move on, or I can wallow in this let it stew and let it hinder not only myself but my students as well. I think the choice is pretty obvious. God loves me through my mistakes and my failures and now I just have to learn to do the same thing for myself instead of beating myself up.

Mistakes

Life is full of mistakes. I mean, really. I make them everyday! Sometimes multiple times a day! But over this past week I made a mistakes that could change everything for me. While in the "real world" it wouldn't have been a big deal, it is in Teen Challenge. I shared information about my personal life with one of my female students. Information that could and should have stayed between my director and myself. But I took it too far. Having feelings for a guy isn't a sin. But should I have confided that in my student who is struggling with the same thing? I justified it by saying that I felt like she was the only one who understood. Do I still believe that? Yes. But I crossed a line. It wasn't fair for me to put that on her shoulders.

You could sum up the conversation that followed with my pastor with this: I traded one boundary for another. This guy that I have developed feelings for over the past few weeks is still a student. While my feelings aren't sinful, I could have handled things differently. Yes, I went to my pastor and told her about my feelings and brought them to light. But had I not talked to another student about them, things would be different. I may have actually enjoyed my day yesterday. But I made choices that caused people to judge my character and lose their trust with me and that sucks. But it's no one else's fault but my own. I now walk on egg shells around everyone. If I thought I was before, I certainly am now!

I love my job. I really really do! It's not even a job to me. My whole life over the past two and a half years has been about Teen Challenge. While I wish some things were different, I can't change them on my own. I need God, patience, and the support of the people I work with.

I will add this though: without trust, we'll fall apart. I should be able to tell you something and know without a shadow of a doubt that the only people that will hear it will be the people I choose to tell. I'll be honest. When I put things like this on my blog, I don't do it to be passive aggressive. I hate confrontation. I'd much rather send something in an email or a text or letter rather than face-to-face if I have an issue that I need to work out. It prevents me from spouting off and saying something that I will regret later.

I've been thinking about leaving and have been withdrawing from people. But God isn't finished with me here yet. I can feel it in the deepest depths of my heart that I need to be here and that I actually need to work on things before I move on from here. God put me here for a purpose even if I haven't seen that yet!

Random Revelation...

Now I am just really confused. At this point in my life, all I know is that God is calling me to Teen Challenge. But what does that mean exactly? Right now I'm being taught that I have A LOT to learn. We all make mistakes(sometimes daily or even multiple times a day). God will stretch you until you feel like you're about to break(but you won't). Sometimes people really really really annoy you because they point out your mistakes(but they're just here to help you). And lastly, that this is ministry. It's not a 9 to 5 desk job that you have to just make money(because we don't make that much); it's the chance to tell people how much God loves them! He loves them so much that He sent his one and only Son to die for us! We who are sinners! Who make mistakes! God, who is PERFECT, sent His perfect Son to die on a cross so that our failures and sins can be forgiven! Just try and wrap your mind around that. I know I can't. It makes my head spin! I've been dealing with feelings of inadequacy and failure. Those thoughts and feelings are not loving feelings! They are from the one who comes to steal, kill, and destroy! If you let those things get to you, Satan will feel like he is winning, when in reality, he is a LOSER! Because we are covered by the Blood of the Lamb! He wipes our slate clean every day and His mercies are new every morning! It's breathtaking to think that someone so perfect would do that for us! People who imperfect and sinful! My God is so beautiful and forgiving! Praise the Lord for everything that He teaches me every day!

A New Adventure

I've been here about a month, and since then I have made some changes in my life! I've been eating healthier and focusing on myself instead of everyone else. Yes, I still care about the students and I still focus on them, but I've been taking better care of myself. 

One of the ways I've seen myself improve is through exercise. It hasn't been easy, but I've been making myself do it! I just started this last week, but I've been getting up at 4:45 to workout at 5:00! I kinda have to because of my schedule, but I really like it! It's not hot out yet, it's quiet, and I just love it! I've been feeling better, sleeping better, eating better, and I just feel better in general! I've getting up and RUNNING! Something I never thought I could do or would do willingly! My life is changing and I can't wait to see what the rest of this year brings! :)